Back and in bed!

Not going to be a big blog. Sick and in bed!

I am going to act like a two year old and kick and scream the whole way!!!

I'm not gonna die in silence anymore. After a long day of crying and trying to rethink my life plan. I decided that I was not going to die in silence if this is the path that I am going down then I am going to act like a two year old and kick and scream the whole way!!! I know that acting like a two year old may get me kicked out of places but I might be fun. I almost just gave up this morning and then I read my in-box and to my surprise I have a couple of cats out there that are reading my diary and all though I started to get scared thinking that this journey might take you down the wrong path with me. H said something to me today that made me think. She said "you have a gift". I am overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness. A gift of not having any secrets and sharing all...I guess I forgot how God works. I forgot that something so silly as a blog could redefine someones life. To get them to ask questions about where they stand with there own relationship with God. To know that we are not alone and that we all go though stuff. Some bad and some great but we all go though stuff. So, to TH who sent me a wonderful bit of encouragement and to JT for the advice on the CD, and to FY for the scripture. Thank you! To all you who I do not know about Thank you for coming along for the ride. A little word of advice you might want to "Mind your heads its gonna be a bumpy ride". Just a note...to all my cats, the rumor about lighting striking when you open up that bible that you are not reading... it isn't true I read Acts 2:42. I also read the study that went along with it called "The Church: Keeping it simple". I am still standing! Socking Right! Try it you might surprise yourself with what you read.

I had my phone on the charger this evening to have a full charge tomorrow... there was a knock on the door it was or neighbor letting me know that my mom was in the hospital. After calling the man and then my uncle I guess they are keeping her... She will be fine! Just when I thought this evening couldn't get any worse my oldest spilled milk all over my new bar and floor. As I started to laugh I saw a glimpse of his dad when he through up his hands and yelled " NO! don't worry about me!!! I'm okay". Why would I worry about him its just milk and man did he get mad when he saw my smile. But, come on its milk! I mean why do we cry over it is it because it costs so much money? After the milk was cleaned up I got him into the action with a good old fashion tickle fight. So on the floor he went... the little helper and I won when he decided to fart on his big brothers face. So gross you boys! but so funny to see your oldest gag... ha ha.

After my little helper saying "mom you are the most fun" (I had to drag the property yesterday and after we were done I thought I would do some donuts in our front yard...the man wasn't so thrilled). After my evening with the boys I forget how much fun it can be when the man is not arround!

You made your bed now you have to lie in it?

You made your bed and now you have your have to lie in it. That is what we are told as kids and now that I am getting older I want to know WHY? Why do we have it lie in it? Can't we just get up and remake it? I know that sometimes that is harder said than done but are you supposed to just lie there and wish you were dead or wait for your death. What about forgiveness? What about having a redo? Why is the only answer to lie in it? I'm not talking about doing bad things...I talking about waking up and looking around yourself and saying what in the H*** am I doing here. I mean I thought that my life was going to be different and now look at it. I look at my life and I see nothing but mess like scramble eggs. I have 4 kids that I know are gifts from God am I am supposed to raise them up but I feel like a complete failure. I say the same hurtful things my parents said and I do the same hurtful things they did and all I see is trouble ahead if I do not remake this bed! But how? I know in my heart that things can change but I also know that you can not change people. The man is miserable and hates the gifts around him. I am trying to see the positive but when all is hear is negative I just want to scream!!!!! SHUT UP and surrender to GOD! But, because I am not walking the walk I will just stay silent. I also know that the man is to be the held of house hold and lift up his family. But, what do you do when you are the only one. Sitting in silent has pulled me down this path and I wish to no longer follow. I feel like this is the path to my death. Today this journey a very heartbreaking.

On a good note the oldest decided to help clean up so he could get a new towel. I also decided that I do not like Singapore Mai fun. The man, the oldest and mess maker loved it. The rest of us loved the salad I made!!! Laundry did not get done and shopping was great... I love seeing the mans hard earned money fly out the window...NOT!... 6 gallons of milk a week!

"Dry off with a paper towel."

Today has been crazy. After a long evening of fighting with the kids and not doing anything around the house (because I was with my mom all day). I feel like I am playing make up and now paying the price by cleaning and doing laundry and I don't even think I will be able to watch American Idol or Glee. Thank God for my DVR. I mean what did I do before it? Oh, that's right I didn't have kids and could watch what ever I wanted. I made the kids pick up there rooms. I do not understand where all the laundry comes from. The laundry room floor was all clean and now there are clothes for days and days. With being on propane I get to hang all the clothes when they are done washing and because of the rain that has settle in I guess I will have to do laundry after the rain is gone sometimes tomorrow. With all that said it was time for the kids to take showers and since they can never hang up their towels I took away all other towles except their own personal towels. They all have two towels I feel that is plenty. Since they didn't hang up any of their towels and our oldest stuck all of the ones that were on his floor in the laundry room instead of hanging the one he used yesterday up. He said mom can I use your towel and thanks to my wise brother I said with a smile "NO, Where is your towel?" He said "they are in the laundry room". So I then said "Well I guess you are going to have to dry off with paper towels!" I love it! Who says I don't have a since of humor I think I am pretty funny... Just sit and think about how funny that is... HA HA. Moms revenge! I hope that tomorrow he will remember how wet he was after drying off with only three paper towels and hang up his towel. He's a boy he probably will not but I can hope right. So tomorrow I will get to do laundry all day after the rain clears up and I return from shopping with my mom. I hope that the man comes home at normal time and in a good mood!

"I'm pretty sure my cats reading my diary..."

"I'm pretty sure my cats reading my diary..." I think that is the funniest thing I have ever heard! Love it! I can't wait until tomorrow to see the new episode of Glee. As I was watching the preview for tomorrows show It got me thinking about my day and a discussion that I had with the man. I hate it when he comes home early. I know that a lot of people love it when there husbands come home early but I do not anymore. I was on the computer when he got home and I was making sure that I asked before I posted yesterday (I didn't write about my family with out there okay) and he saw my BLOG. A look of disgust came over his face and then I felt like a little kid that had her hand in the cookie jar and was busted...." You're not writing anything about me are you?" he asked. Why does it matter what I write about anyway. I mean if I am doing this for me and not for anyone else why does it matter. I started this blog because of me. To blog or not to blog I guess that is the real question? Am I hurting anyone...am I going to regret it? I don't know if I am going to regret it but all I know is that I started this as a journey back to me... the me I knew a long time ago... the me before the man and before kids....the me that knew what she was called to do with her life and the me that waited upon the Lord. So I am sitting here wondering if it's only the cats that are reading my blog do I care?

"SHUT UP LITTLE GIRL"

Family, Family, Family....
Funny thing about family you either love them or hate them but no matter where you stand with family when ever you get together you can always find something to laugh about. This morning we had breakfast with my mom and watched the kids on the motorcycles and enjoyed the beautiful day we had. Of coarse I left for a minute and missed the big wipe out of day. Thank God my brother is okay! I guess he caught some fencing with his front tire and then flipped over and over making a great wipe out. Then he jumped up and gave the two thumbs up sign to let my sister know he was OK! Funny Right!! maybe not funny at the moment but looking back to write this tonight very funny (I may have lost my fun but man have I been laughing alot lately). I missed the whole thing and I am so bummed we didn't get it on video. The great news is that even with his wipe out I realized that God was with my brother seeing how my brother was not wearing a helmet. Why no helmet? Boys will be boys that is my answer. But I bet tomorrow when he wakes up all sore he will reconsider the no helmet idea. To top off the morning we caught the first snake on our property well not me but the man and kids did. It was a big guarder snake and the kids all thought it was a great find. After the snake, my oldest decided to get a little brave on the motorcycle and stand up and lift his feet while being on XGAMES he misjudged the turn and wiped out! He did not get hurt just shook up. I think with the two wipe outs that was all my mom could handle. So mom went home and we enjoyed some hot dogs and movies, the kids went out lizard hunting and the little ones wondered around getting in trouble where ever they could. On a good note we did not loose the helper he did not put himself to sleep today. After a couple of hours I heard the funniest conversation I have heard for a ten year old and a two year old. All I can say is that the disagreement ended with the little mess maker yelling "STUPID IDIOT BABY! SHUT UP BABY!" Then the ten year old (my niece) Speaking in a very old parent tone said " SHUT! UP! LITTLE GIRL!" I know that most parents would be angry but for some reason I found it so funny. The man disciplined the little mess maker and my brother had a discussion with the ten year old and I am still laughing about it this evening as I write this.

Not sure why it makes me laugh... but it does. Only a couple of bruises and a couple of bruised egos all and all this was a great weekend.

Most important I saw God today in a lot of great ways.

A Rock Garden!

Woke up this morning in a pretty good mode. I had the busiest day! I needed to finish cleaning (we have family coming), then we had to get our veggies, and then go and pick up my little girl from her sleep over. All this and to be back by noon. So off we went, on our way back from picking up veggies I stopped by a moving sale and bought some pavers for our "Rock Garden". The past couple of nights I have been digging up rocks from our road and property for what my son calls our new rock garden. We have flower beds in the front of our house that so not drain and we moved in and the last owner filled them up with dirt and planted grass. So we dug up the grass and rototiller them up and now I am filling them up with rock and now new pavers that cost me a big $13. After putting them in the car we drove to pick up my girl from the sleep over. I forgot how much you do not sleep at sleepovers. She looked like death, She said that she did not sleep because the other girls snored and they left the TV on and it made a weird noise in the middle of the night. She slept the whole way home and now we were in a cleaning frenzy. My brother and sister showed up with the kids and motorcycles and now my kids want bikes more than ever. My sister drove with the mess maker and my little helper and my little ones want bikes now. YEAH! how do we come up with that kind of cash? Not to mention my older kids have been bugging me ever since my niece and nephew got bikes for Christmas! "Why didn't we get bikes" "Its not fair". I believe I am starting to sound like a broken mom record. "Life isn't fair... If life was fair I would be a singer and we would be rich". HA-HA I think that is what all moms say. Even grandparents only they put there own twist on it. After looking for the little helper who had put himself to sleep (not realizing how late it was and should have let him continue to sleep). Waking him up to enjoy a wonderful meal, thank you Chef. I am full and off to bed before another busy day with kids and motorcycles!

I Hate House Cleaning Day!!!

This morning started out just like yesterday.... a fight with my older kids and they were out the door. Only difference is that I had to get the house cleaned. No exceptions!!! So I started out by getting the younger kids to help. Well that is what I kept telling myself they were doing... helping!! After a couple of minutes my little helper laid on the floor and said "I can't help you my leg is broke". When he realized that I wasn't having any of that this morning he proceeded to yell " I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE HOUSE CLEANING DAY! I couldn't let him know that those were my exact feelings I mean what is the point. Every time I clean five minutes later it looks like crap again. A messy house is a lived in house, right? I know that cleanliness is next to Godliness... Right! But, sometimes I don't feel like cleaning for no reason. After a short time in his room my little helper decided to come and help! This means I will get it done. If one helps then they both get on board.

I took my oldest to a sleepover this evening her first one. Please help! I guess because of my trust issues from my past I have been a little crazy in this area of my kids life. They have only been able to stay at my moms, my brothers, my in-laws or my brother-in laws. But only the older ones. They have to be able to talk. I bet the man that I would be getting a phone call. I guess I will have to pray this evening. I mean really pray!

What else in my life happens when I am not looking?

I thought that putting on a movie would buy me time to get the bar done but I was wrong!!! After a couple of minutes the quiet set in and the mess began. First the youngest split the cereal all over the table and then tried to clean it up and made a bigger mess when the bag fell off the table on to the floor. Then her little helper came over and with cups in hand decided to put the cereal into cups and eat it. While this was happening he split the cereal bowl with milk that one of the older kids left out all over the floor. To clean this up they opened the kennel and let out Abbey to lick up all the milk. So far at least they are trying.... Right! While I cleaned up cereal and but the dog back... Little one got a hold of my coffee and pored it down the front of her (luckily it was on the cool side). Went in to clean up the coffee and now she is naked in the garage looking for a brush to help me paint. Put clothes on her and started again on the bar only to hear " Mom she is spilling water all over the floor" so off I go to find the mess maker and sure enough she is naked again because her clothes got wet from trying to fill up the fish tank with a pitcher that she filled from the bathroom tub! Cleaned up the mess and got her dressed again. While dressing my little girl my son found his way into the kitchen only to play with the caulking gun and tried to hide it behind his back! RIGHT! Like I can't see it. Cleaned him up left him on the counter turned around to stop the mess maker from making a mess in the closet. She was trying to make up her mind on what she was going to eat for lunch. Put the chips and candy back in the closet and turned back around to finish the job of getting the helper cleaned up. But something wasn't right with his attitude so after setting him back on the ground I followed him in to his room to catch him discussing with the mess maker about his great find!!! He found daddy's secret hiding place and that he needed her help to get it... CANDY!!! So I walked back into the kitchen to observe this great sneak attack. But, it didn't happen. So made lunch for the kids and tried in a hurry to finish the bar. When again they were really quiet... To my surprise they had gotten down the box of peeps form Easter and were eating them is complete quiet. I mean complete quiet not a sound! Picked up the mess from the peeps and the rest of the house before the man and the other mess makers got home.

While all this was happening I kept wondering... what else in my life happens when I am not looking? Good news is after all that happened today I still finished the bar, grouted the tile, and put the polyurethane on the wood I stained yesterday!!!

" Yep my life is ruined... I have a sore on my head and a hurt shoulder."

After arguing with my oldest kids (this seams to be getting worse with our oldest and he is only in 4th grade) and getting them out the door to catch the bus I laid on the couch and thought this is going to be a great day off. No babies, no kids, no fighting, no crying! I thought Yeah!!! I can catch up on some cleaning, TV, and maybe even a nap. After a short phone call and deciding what my plans were going to be the phone rang again and it was school. I knew right then that it wasn't my daughter because she never calls, never! She just comes home, cries and without speaking goes to her room that is how I know she is sick... But, not our oldest he is best friends with the school secretaries and nurse. I get at least one phone call a week (I believe there is a bigger problem at school). This time I even knew what he had done before the nurse even told me. So off to school to pick him up and drive to the doctors to prove to him that I am right. I think that this is going to be a never ending battle! At school he reads all these sicknesses in the office and convinces himself that is what he has. This week is was either shingles or scabies YUK! Which I knew his little rash was from weed-eating around our property this weekend. Seeing how he is allergic to everything and I mean everything! (a tiny bug bite blows up his body and we have to get a pen out and start drawing circles and marking time). After a short visit with the doctor...Guess what? he is not dieing... at least not today! With a new Epipen, some cream and a return back to school note we left the doctors... my morning alone is over!

After doing nothing I wanted to do LIKE ALWAYS!!! We returned home he did school work and I sanded and stained the wood on our new bar... cleaned, did laundry, and picked up before everyone returned home. Then the kids were off to music practice and I made dinner. I had a long day of the BAH! HUMBUGS! I tried to think of something to write down for the day but nothing seem life changing. I didn't even get a chance to try something new or even old. But, then I was greeted with my oldest daughter flopping face down on to the ottoman with tears falling from her face saying " Yep my life is ruined... I have a sore on my head and a hurt shoulder." After kissing and reassuring her that she was made for greatness it made me think...today I wish my life was ruined because of a sore on my head and a hurt shoulder... not because of wrongs, being angry, frustrated, fights, hurts, a loss, things I wish I didn't say, things I wish I would have said...just a hurt shoulder and a sore on my head!

"You can't rip Jesus' Word!"

My two year old decided to read the bible that I am not reading. While in another room I faintly heard a rip and then a loud scream " YOU CAN'T RIP JESUS' WORD!" Followed by a scream, what I believe to be a smack, then running down the hall in tears my almost four years old comes in holding my bible yelling "She ripped Jesus' word!" I taped my bible back up and thought... a little tape goes a long way and my almost four year old knows what a bible is!

So if a little tape can tape up my bible... and it looks fine on the outside. Do I look fine on the outside or is my outside ripping apart too? Can everyone see all the rips and holes where people, churches, and hurts once were? Is that all I have been doing... just taping myself up. A little tape here a little tape there. Am I using transparent tape or duck tape? I mean come on at least duck tape is weather prof right? Is my tape coming off from all these storms? Is this why I feel like I am falling apart sometimes? What? Have I been holding on by tape? Wait this can't be. I know about this, I've written about this...Did I close my eyes a little to tight? Was that right really a wrong? How did I get here? All I see is tape, tape, and more tape! I feel like a song writer with out a song.

Has anyone seen my FUN? I'm still looking?

"What happened to you... "

"What happened to you... you used to be so much fun!!!"
Don't you just love that question? That is the question I was asked this evening and now I am wondering... What did happen to me? Where did my fun go? Did it disappear? Did my kids take it? Where in my life did I lose it?
I can not answer this question. I have looked high and low and I can not find it. So my only guess is that it has been stolen when I wasn't looking. So I am on a quest to find it. If you or anyone you know has seen it or can remember how it was stolen please contact me or return it ASAP! My family would like it back!!!

No church today!

This morning I was reminded that My husband had to work so no church today. To tell the truth I really did not want to go...I mean lets face it trying a new church for me is like getting a physical. You know you need to go but you wait until the last minute. I mean come on a new church is not like Christmas where you are excited about all the gifts that are under the tree. To me going to a new church is awful and I HATE IT!!! Only two things can happen at a new church it can have great worship and a great message or it can have crappy worship and by then I don't even hear the message. Or the church can be stuck up or too much in your face. A hello is nice, the kids rooms are... but come on who wants to be greeted at the door with a list of all your sins...

So since I wasn't going to go to church I could listen to some worship music and have a great day. So we put music on and decided to clean up the muddy mess of our driveway. Sorting the rock from the dirt...sounds fun right? After getting all the dirt off the driveway and all the rocks back into the flower beds I realized that I was burnt to a crisp. My four little lobsters didn't look any better than I and now feeling like this day was a complete failure I was reminded that I sang today. I mean I sang! Something I haven't done in a long time. Don't get me wrong I love Lady Gaga and we love Justin Bieber in this house (have an eight year old). But that isn't the singing I am talking about... I'm taking the kind of singing where you feel like... I can't describe it. Its almost like... a place where you can be you, just your naked self no fake smiles no one to lie to just you...Like when you come home after being gone a long time. If you are not a singer then I'm sorry this doesn't make since. All I can say is I sang! My daughter and son sang!... "Oh praise him, Oh praise him, He is holy, He is holy". So I sit her and think that maybe just maybe it wasn't a waste of a day after all...

Free Dump Day!

Woke up ready to work around the property. Today is Free Dump Day how exciting!!! Picking up trash that has blown on our property from the wind. Picking up junk left by the last owners. Dead trees, dead bushes and just dead junk! My youngest two thought this was an adventure but my oldest two they have been down this road before and man did the complaining start when I handed them that black trash bag. Oh I'm tired, do we have to go, how much more do I need to pick up? We loaded up the trailer, loaded up all the kids and drove the long drive to the dump. We arrived an hour and a half before the dump was to close when we got the greatest news... The paper was wrong about the time the dump was closed. No dump day today!!! I looked to the positive and said what a great drive?
Driving back from the non productive day with a trailer full of crap I started thinking what if there was a day called Free Dump Day! A day where we could dump our stuff (luggage, baggage whatever you call it) and leave it at the dump! A stinky dirty place where we wouldn't want to pick up stuff but drop it off. I mean we just drove by and I felt like I needed a shower. A place where I wouldn't, couldn't pick up stuff and try it back on. Can you imagine the smell. Rotten Junk! A place where you know that it has been ran over with a bulldozer, shredded, and then burnt.

Why is it that when I dump my cares on God I pick them up again? How long will it take for me to trust again?

Two Years without God!

Crazy title for a Blog? I don't think so. A guess a little back ground would make it more understandable but... maybe not. After two major events in my life, things in my family changed in ways I never thought possible. Ways that make me think over and over WHY! So after two years without God I am going to try 180 days with God. Why 180? It made since. Here is my list of things I haven't done in 2 years:
1. Don't sing or write music!
2. Don't Read the bible or scriptures (except when given a scripture, reading cards or on facebook pages).
3.Don't Pray, well everyone prays even people who do not believe in God whether they know it or not... everyone prays. I pray in the car, over dinner, when my kids need prayer, when someone is sick, In the shower etc... but I don't pray like I use to. My prayers are more out of frustration.
4.Don't go to church.

We were watching American Idol last night (thank you DVR) and my oldest said "mom I bet you would really do good." I said what? He said "I bet you would do really well on American Idol." I told him that not only am I too old but that encouragement in that area of my life did not happen when I was younger. I tell my children everyday that they were made for greatness and that they were born to do.... He than said to me "I bet you were born to do that." He is probable right I guess I have lost my purpose and forgotten what I was born to do. So here we go day one! I have a purpose and I was born to do it!!!