Day 2 and I think it is getting worse!... "You better go outside if you are going to die!"

I can not believe how much I feel like I am a failure. I am doubting myself so much and I even yelled at the kids which I am very sad about. As I sit in bed and reflect about my day all I can say is wow. I woke up this morning and got a great email from a past friend encouraging me and I even got a little excited. Then I continued getting the kids already this morning. Mod is completely registered and she started by watching and participating in an online orientation and she even started on her classes it was so very encouraging. Then mo started in and that is when it went all down hill.. Why does she get to do that... why am I not registered...What about me...It's all about me...then he decided to get all the other kids all wound up and that was when I totally lost it. I can not believe how quickly he can just tick me off. I just want to SCREAM! Its totally a sucky thing because today is not the day to do this seeing how we had music and then I had a doctors apt. I just feel like I am making a BIG mistake! ( I even was told again to quit!)

I got the kids to practice and while they where in practice mod's teacher called and I really got a good feeling from her. She understood where I stood and even talked to mod. I just hope that this is really what I am supposed to be doing. We got finished with practice and then we drove through the drive thru and that was the first time today that mo was nice and sweet. Took the kids to moms and she helped mod finish schooling while I went to the doctors. It was totally frustrating because I just kept watching the clock tick by because they were running so far behind. I even told them that I was going to have to leave if I didn't get in soon. I have good news I am fatter than what I thought and I am still no closer to knowing why I can not sleep.

Got back to moms and I then rushed home to get the kids to practice. I just hope that tomorrow gets better. I also am praying that they get mo's stuff all figured out so he can start the schooling that he needs to. I got a phone call from the nurse about mo today and they are allowing me to follow my gut and get his blood work done so I just have to wait for the order to come in. I even found out the class mod was going to have at her old school and although I should see this as a sign I just feel confused and worried! Please pray for me!

On a funny note tonight the man and mlh were talking about his back and how his back is hurting and then I guess he said something like "Oh mlh I'm getting old." Then they talked a little more about why his back hurt and that it was because he was getting old then the conversation changed to mlh saying that the man was going to die because he was old and mlh said no dad you cant die and the man said i will die some day that is part of life then mlh said well "You better go outside if you are going to die!" When asking mlh about this he said "yeah dad is going to go outside to die because his bones will start to stink!"

Well I better go outside because I feel like I am going to die today! Oh also can you believe this weather Hello summer where did you go! Winter you need to wait until I get wood cut! We are going to freeze if you come this soon! I guess the man is going to have to cut wood this weekend I think it will be weird to have a fire this week if it keeps getting colder. Our high today was 60 and man is my house cold! The Uggs are coming out!