This morning I woke up and got the little ones ready to to swimming. Got out the door and drove to Nanas for breakfast and to see my older kids. ( the man stayed home to fix the car and have alone time) I guess fireworks were awesome and the kids had a great time. This made me happy to know that they had a great time. After super chef made breakfast and h put sunscrean on all the kids. ( breakfast was awesome) This was a big blessing because I have an issue with rub on sunscreen. It totally freaks me out and after using it I have to wash my hands for ever. I can not stand the way it makes my hands feel. Wash soap rinse and repeat over and over. So away went the kids. Being smart I decided to wear my swimsuit. ( not getting soaked today!)
Took pictures and then jumped in. So crazy last time the pool was too hot and today it was cold. So started enjoying the coolness when my dad let in the dog and out I went. I am not sure if its because of getting scratched by my moms dog Leila or what but I am not a swim with big dogs kind of person. So I told my babies to stay away and I got out. This is the moment when I should have packed up my kids and went home but, I permantly have stupid on my forehead and I care too much. ( this is what the man says my problem is).
So I sat and dried off and watched the kids swim. My uncle came out for a couple minutes then my dad asked if we wanted to play risk. So away went my uncle and I sat alone outside with the dog and kids. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and watching them swim, taking pictures and all that stuff when I'm home in my house. But I'm not at my house and to sit outside alone while the rest of the adults sat inside and have a good time not fun. I felt like I was being ignored on purpose so I would leave so they could have a great time with out me and my kids. So a little after 2 hours of being left out I had had enough. ( also my stupid sun poisoning was bothering me). So I got my kids out of the pool quietly got the out the door and the whole way home kept thinking your the stupid one for letting them go last night you knew this would happen. This always happens! Wake up and stop being the doormat.
Got home and helped the man move my boxes that I still haven't unpacked so we can get both cars in the garage. I guess he had a great time and I am not sure if its because I didn't or if its because the house was still a mess from yesterday but whatever the case I totally lost it tonight and now I am lonely, disappointed and heartbroken. Disappointed because I thought it was gonna be different, heartbroken because I trusted and believed, lonely because I am alone! I will never have a relationship with my parents like my brother does. I believe they have a bond that I will never understand or have. ( Mothers and their bonds with their boys. I have 2 boys and don't understand it. I thought that when you get older it was different but not so ( the man said its because you care about everything and everyone and they don't, maybe he's right). I have to work and give and apologize and give and apologize and work. Its so tiring and I do not think I want to continue down this path and cycle. The man said I could blame him... if he would have been there then he would have been outside. So its all his fault haha!
Printed pictures of the girls for their scrapbooks. I only need photos h took and then we can get started tomorrow. Also gonna try to make shirts and jam so busy busy day! Had a good memory of our childhood today made me smile. Going to the city pool and walking around with our Safeway feet! The things that were safe when we were younger.
Praying to have the strength to call old and make new friends. I wish to no longer be lonely anymore. Being sad I tried to eat some turtle pie this is when I realized that all that chocolate just made me sick and now I am wishing I could take it back. Yuck! This pain is for a reason and I guess I will suffer through it.
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