To my family that no longer talks to me... can't we move past our past and try again. I am sorry and I miss you everyday.

Today I woke up all ready to go. Got the little ones dressed and got mod dressed and ready for her audition. We were out the door to moms to drop off the little ones. We got there and I have never seen them so excited for me to leave. Got back in the car and on our way to fox studios we went. Mod practicing her slides the whole way there. She kept saying "mom I just need to land one big job!" It makes me sad for her but she is definitely thicker skined than I am. We arrived early and it was a good thing since we walked to the building and up the stairs only for me to realize that I left her head shot in the car. So we walked back to the car got the head shot then back to the building. Signed in and watched the talent before us and after.

While we were there we saw an older girl that looked like mod only she was like eleven and oh so tiny. That is mod downfall she performs great she gets call backs but can not land it in the end. Not sure if its because of the eleven year old kids that look like eight year old kids or if she chokes. What ever it is she definitely wants it bad. Her new desire is to do a lot of photo shoots so she can get better head shots. All I can do is pray!

So she went in and was out in like a blink! I asked her what happened and she said she was done. She explained to me that she nailed it in one take and was done. The other girls took the entire 15 minutes and mod took like 5. Well we will have to see! I forgot how much I like spending time alone with her and how much she talks. She doesn't talk this much when all the other kids are around. She totally reminds me of myself only she has a drive I never had. She performs and loves it just like I do only she is not afraid of anything or at least she doesn't act like it. I love her willingness to succeeded and her passion for making it. I was only a dream for me and to watch her it is amazing. Everytime I ask her "what would happen if we couldn't afford to go to any more auditions?" She always cries and says "please don't give up on me I would just die mom!" How could I say no to that.

We stopped off at subway and then drove to moms to get the little ones. Got to mom's and the kids were just getting into the pool so mod got her swimsuit on jumped in. By the look on there faces I knew something was up. It was 92 outside and 95 in the pool yuck! So after a little swim I made them get out before they got sick. I can't even imagine swimming in water that warm. Its okay when its cold outside but When its warm out side...all I keep thinking about is stomach aches and heat sickness ad puking.

Got back in the house with the kids and the man showed up to fix the phone line. I guess when he was in the attic yesterday something happened. So he went back into the attic and before I knew it he was back down and was leaving. He asked me to wait to come home so he can fix something on the car. So I waited and while I waited mom got a phone call and the look on her face scared me and I knew it was a bad call. When she got off the phone she had the look of shock then slowly explained that my aunt Kim had just passed away. She is younger than my mom and it definitely was not the phone call I expected. She is so young! All I can think about is how my grandma must be feeling and how this happened. (Kim is my grandma Shirley's daughter) Although she is my aunt by marriage I never have felt this way. I know that other people in my family are weird about titles and the whole flesh and blood thing but I have never been this way. I have a very mixed and wonderful family and I love it. I just wish everyone else could get over titles and move on.

So I drove home with a heavy heart and When we got home the man was still working on the truck. I let the kids play outside watered the plants and tried not to cry. Got the kids bathed and since they worn out from being at moms and swimming in that hot pool they feel asleep early.

I am left up late saddened and wondering how I would feel if people in my family that I haven't seen or spoken to in a long time passed away what I would say what I wish I would have said and why is my family so close but so far away. So here is what I have come up with. I would be heartbroken, devastated, and more lonely. To my family that no longer talks to me... can't we move past our past and try again. I am sorry and I miss you everyday. You have grandkids whom you have never met and are innocent. Can't we try for them. There is no greater love then the love of a child and I wish to no longer only see my family at funerals.